Minsan

Minsan kailangan natin sumuko hindi dahil mali tayo, pero dahil hindi na magkakaroon ng kabuluhan ang ipinaglalaban natin.
Minsan kailangan natin tanggapin ang katotohanan na hindi lahat ng tao sasang-ayon sa atin, hindi tayo ipinanganak para i-please sila.
Minsan kailangan natin masaktan ng todo-todo bago natin matutunan ang mga leksyon na gustong ituro ng buhay, okay lang yun basta wag na nating ulitin ang mga mali.
Minsan nagmamahal tayo ng sobra-sobra na nakakalimutan nating magtira para sa sarili natin, dapat nating tandaan na kailangang mahalin muna natin ang sarili natin para mai-share natin ang pagmamahal na ito sa iba.
Minsan matigas lang talaga ulo natin, pero balang araw matututunan natin na ganito na talaga ang buhay, kakambal ng magmahal ang masaktan.
Minsan....tama na ang minsan.
Natuto na ako.

Just me. For now.

What could have been (2)

Actually tinatamad na akong i-post sana ito kaya lang parang kailangan kong maglabas ng sama ng loob.

At dahil nga nalaman ko na hindi sila close ng nanay ni Claire ako naman si tanga nakiusap na aayusin nlng lahat ulit at hindi na ako mikikialam sa kung anu man ang past nila. ow yes, ang right term is NAKIUSAP. parang tanga lang noh? hindi ko naman yun gagawin kung hindi niya ako sinabihan ng "I want you back kaya ako sumama sa CME dahil gusto ko maayos natin." Pangalawa, makikipag-ayos ako kasi feeling ko ako may kasalanan ngayon kaya hindi kami maging okay. Pangatlo, mahal ko talaga eh...ganun lang talaga siguro.

So ganito ang nangyari, tinawagan ko, nagtext ako lahat na ng katangahan at pagmamakaawa ginawa ko na para lang magkabalikan kami. Ayaw niya. Tapos bigla ko naitanong, "ano bang pumipigil sau?" Kasi dati pag nagsosori na ako, okay na yan. pero ngayon talagang sobrang hesitant siya na makipag-ayos.
K:Anu bang pumipigil sa yo? pag ready ka na sabihin mo na sa akin. kung anu man un matatanggap ko.
M:Mahal kita. Alam mo bang ang laki ng problema ko dito. Hindi ko alam kung ma-accept mo pa ako kung bakit kami nagkagulo ni Claire.
K: Di ba sabi ko kakalimutan ko na un? Nagpromise na ako di ba? Tanggap naman kita eh. Mahal kita kasi gago ka, kasi magulo ka, kasi ganyan ka.
M:Tanggap mo nga ako pero ang past ko with Claire hindi mo makakayanan.
K:Sabihin mo na sa akin. Mas masasaktan na naman ako lalo kung magsinungaling ka na naman. Pag ready ka na...Handa akong makinig.
M:Gusto ko makita si Claire. Bakit? Gusto ko makita kung tinuloy niya yung pagbubuntis niya.

at ang sinagot ko lang sa text niyang iyan..."OK..."

Hindi ko alam kung nag-iisip ba ako ng gabing yun at bakit hindi ko siya magawang iwan? Hindi ko magawang iwan kasi mahal ko? or natatakot akong mawala siya? or kasi gusto anjan siya palagi? ANU? hindi ko alam. Ayaw ko siyang iwan kasi wala siyang kakampi ngayon? Hindi ko alam. Basta ang nangyari, HINDI KO SIYA INIWAN. Hindi ko siya iniwan kahit sobrang sakit na malaman mo na may nabuntis siya. Actually hindi naman ung part na may nabuntis siya ang masakit. It was the fact that "HE WAS TELLING ME HE WANTED TO WIN ME BACK, HE WANTED US TO BE TOGETHER AGAIN PERO ALAM NA NIYANG NABUNTIS NIYA, BAKIT PA SIYA BABALIK?" Para sa okay lang na nabuntis niya eh, di ko rin naman kasi mapipigilan ang libog niya pero yung babalikan pa niya ako sobrang sakit na nun. bakit ako na naman? hindi ka na ba nakontento dati??

sa balik tayo dun sa HINDI KO SIYA INIWAN. sabi ko andito lang ako. ayusin mo yang gusot, pag ok na andito lang ako, hihintayin kita.. sabi niya, wag ko na daw siya antayin kasi ayaw na niya akong masaktan. ako naman masokista talaga, gusto ko pa rin antayin. hahaha. pero ganun lng talga siguro, mhal ko lang talaga siya. sabi ko sa knya."Bkit ba hindi mo ako kayang ipaglaban? kung mahal mo ako ipaglalaban mo ako. kung masakit ngayon, mas masakit kung iiwan mo ako kasi hindi mo man lang ako ipinaglaban." sabi niya, "Ipaglalaban kita.Kung wala lang sana tong problemang to masaya na sana tayo." AT YUN LNG...YUN LANG NAWALA LAHAT NG SAKIT KASI NALAMAN KONG KAYA PA RIN NIYA AKONG IPAGLABAN.

....pero hindi pala ganun kadali yun....akala ko okay na kami pero hindi pa pala.:(

What could have been (1)

Hey there reader! This is probably the longest blog you'll ever read. So prepare yourself.

I don't even know how to start. Every one has been bugging me for weeks for this blog. And finally...I'm trying to write and hoping I can finish it in two hours or less.

I left the title blank. I don't know how I'll call it....

Last night I learned something really, really depressing. It hurts so much I wish I never asked him to tell me. But I guess I've been living to the mantra that says "If the truth hurts, what more can a lie do?" since the day I learned that cheating can be a hobby and a hobby can be a habit.

M:Mahal kita. Alam mo bang ang laki ng problema ko dito. Hindi ko alam kung ma-accept mo pa ako kung bakit kami nagkagulo ni Claire.
K: Di ba sabi ko kakalimutan ko na un? Nagpromise na ako di ba? Tanggap naman kita eh. Mahal kita kasi gago ka, kasi magulo ka, kasi ganyan ka.
M:Tanggap mo nga ako pero ang past ko with Claire hindi mo makakayanan.
K:Sabihin mo na sa akin. Mas masasaktan na naman ako lalo kung magsinungaling ka na naman. Pag ready ka na...Handa akong makinig.
M:Gusto ko makita si Claire. Bakit? Gusto ko makita kung tinuloy niya yung pagbubuntis niya.

Eto na yung sinasabi nilang parang binagsakan ka ng mundo. Ang sakit. Kung may mas sasakit pa sa nalaman ko...wala na siguro.

Ayan naubusan tuloy ako ng English.lol

****
February 2009

Namimiskol siya pero hindi ko pinapansin. Okay na ako nun eh. Okay ako na wala siya. Masaya ako, walang problema.

***
March 2009

Nagpunta kami ng JRMMC dahil sinamahan ko ang kapatid kong magpatingin sa leg sprain/strain or kung anu man yun. Nakita ko siya pagbaba niya ng LRT1 sa may Doroteo Jose. Nakagreen. Hindi niya ako nakita, sigurado ako dun dahil nasa jeep ako. Ngumiti lang ako ng patago.

Hapon. Nagtext tapos nagmiskol.
M:Musta?
The greatest mistake I took after having moved on was to...
K:I'm okay. I think I saw you kanina.
And so the communication started...again. I won't make any alibis. I missed him and wondered how his life is going that's why I replied. I got curious because he was not in the office on a weekday. Nalaman ko na na-lay off siya. The usual kumustahan would have been great, much like acquaintances no more no less, and it changed when he told me.
M: Gusto kita makita ng personal. Just to say sorry

At doon nagsimula ang kumustahan at muling pagbabalikan....or so I thought.

***Fastforward***(tinamad na magsulat)

K:Bakit ka nagsinungaling at sinabi mong close kau ng mama ni Claire eh hindi pa pala kayo nagmeet?
M:Sabi ko na nga ba eh.hahaha Test for you. Kala mo ha.
K:May nalalaman ka pang test test jan! Sinungaling!
M:Alang sinungaling dun. For me gusto ko talagang ibalik yung dati pero madi met talaga agclick ta ugalim. Ugalim sabi ko kasi ung mga ginagawa mo. Kung bakit sana tau na, pero ang dami mo pa sinasabi.
K:So ako pa sisihin mo ngaun.
M:Lam mo ala ka pakialam kung anu ang sinabi ko tungkol sa part nila Claire. Tayo at least talagang pinanindigan ko kung bakit ako sumama sayo sa CME kasi talagang to win you back.

So panu ko nalaman sa hindi pala sila close ng mama ni Claire? Nagtext ako sa bitchesang un. San ko kinuha ung number? Eh di dun sa cellphone ni Mike. Sabi niya pwede na raw ako sa NBI. Imbestigador. Kasi inaalam ko lahat. Hindi naman ako dating ganito eh. Naging ganito lang ako nung malaman kong may kabit ka. I investigated because I was not satisfied.
a. kung break na kau bakit baby pa rin ang name niya sa fone mo?
b. kung break na kau bakit di mo ma-erase yung pics niyo sa fs.
c. kung break na kau bakit nakikipagkita ka pa sa mama niya?
daming tanong...at lahat yan ang reason kung bakit ko siya tinext.

Matagal Nga

Nagbukas ako ng blog account ko at ito ang nakita ko. February pa ang last entry. Naku naman...ang tagal na. Pasensiya na, marami lang nangyari. Marami akong ginawa. At wala akong sapat na oras para magsulat ng matino-tinong blog. Pero mula ngayon (eto na naman ako sa promise na yan), mula ngayon dapat at least may isang entry ako every week. Naks naman! Parang may nagbabasa eh noh?haha

Di ba sabi ko maraming nangyari. Sobrang dami at sa mga susunod na blog niyo malalaman kung anu-ano ang mga events na yon. May mga juicy, may wala lang, may emo, may katangahan, may masaya, may malungkot pero ang pinakimportante sa lahat....sa kabila ng mga nangyaring yon...maganda pa rin ang lola niyo.haha Wala lang din ako magawa ngayon kaya sige pagbigyan niyo na ako. Sana magtuloy-tuloy na ang blogging na ito.

Just me. For now.
-katt-

You.Don't.Know.Me

The article below is a product of being an insomniac. Sometimes I just wish I could sleep right away after watching my favorite show on TV or after shutting down my laptop or just after taking a shower but then I don't. I don't get to sleep when I get to bed at 2am and it will take me another hour or two before my melatonin finally decides to finally let me doze off.

Eight months later, the boy finally decides to make a move. He calls the girl one Sunday night. The girl and his brother were busy looking at the airsoft guns they are planning to buy for the next day. The phone kept on ringing and when she finally found it under the pillows and was about to answer, he dropped thinking she was ignoring the call.

1 missed call
09267016073
10:12PM

She laughed and told her brother who called. They both laughed.

.*.*.*.*.*.

B: I just want us to be together again.
G: Why do you even bother? We're done. Eight months ago...WE'RE.DONE.
B: I want you back and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for being a jerk. I'm sorry I messed up. I'm sorry I broke your trust. I'm sorry and I don't have an excuse.
G: You don't want to want me back.
B: I do. For the last eight months I do.
G: You wouldn't want to. I'm just not that girl anymore. I'm not that girl who used to believe in every word you say. I'm the girl you used to fool. I'm not the girl you used to ignore. I'm just not that girl anymore. You don't know me anymore and never knew me by the way.
B: I know you. I know you've always been that girl who...
G: NO.

G:You complained how hard your work is?
How your superior reprimands you?
You don't know how hard my work is.
You don't know how the head nurse shouts at me.
You don't know how she belittles me.
You don't know how surgeons can be so arrogant.
You don't know how they humiliate you in front of patients.
You never felt the pain of their words when they talk behind your back.
You don't know how tired I am after a night's duty but I still get to text or call you.
You never cared.
You don't know how scared I am going home at ten in the evening when all you see are motels and strangers at the squatters area.
You don't know.
You don't know because you were never there to fetch me.
You never knew how I spend the next one hour looking for a shuttle or jeepney in Cubao so I can go home to Santolan.
You don't know that.
You never knew that because you never dared to ask.
You are left in your room watching your favorite late night show while waiting for a text from me "I'm home." when you could've volunteered to walk me home even if its just for once in a while but you didn't.
You are left in your room playing cards or betting your ass off on who's gonna win that f*cking cockfight.
You are left in your room while I'm there sitting in my sofa, exhausted, hungry, sleepy yet waiting for a reply.
So don't tell me know me...

Note: I'll post a series of this when I get nostalgic. And so the stress is gone. The sequels to be posted when I get nostalgic again. Hope you enjoyed reading. Omigad, I'm emo tonight.haha

Catching the Falling Star

Being unemployed sucks. It makes your mind stagnant and your skills rusty. Well, I am unemployed or not really. I don't have an employer, so I'm basically self-employed. I am a part of group that specializes in tours and events organizing. We called ourselves Travelling Flip Flops.

Our Flip Flops

During this time of global recession, where everything is in slow motion, we need to find means on how to make money. We chose the travel industry for instance. We are newbies in this business and its so hard to start because none of us had a management major in college. I had management subjects but then it focused on nursing management which aside from the general principles of leadership and management, everything else is different. One of us is an accountant, but she's too busy at work and I, the nursing graduate even did what an accountant must do.

First stop, we planned. It took us a lot of time to plan. But the planning started in high school. Those were the days when we sit around on our favorite spot under the umbrella tree and dream about putting up a beach resort with a bar and grill. I think that was the day we first planned. Then several years later, after the nine of us graduated we are finally making our dreams come true one step at a time. Planning was critical. We had several brainstorming over cups of coffee about our would-be name, tagline, logo, packages, itineraries and many more including colors for the business cards. Then after several weeks of constant updating we made our decisions.

Implementing was the next stop. On this stage we put into action our plans. for example, we wanted a website where we can promote and as the IT specialist Aileen made one using our name, the tagline and logo we agreed upon. Another example is we wanted different packages that will cater to different clients, on this stage we are going to make our quotations, the number of participants, the attuned accommodation and transportation.This is more complicated than I thought.

The implementation consisted of two parts. I call the first, "the making part". It's like the more complex planning part since we are more detailed. Since I was the one who brought up the proposal of the travel business, I was basically doing most of the tasks. From making packages, itineraries, looking for resorts, hotels, inns, transportation availability and other things that needs to be settled. As said earlier, we become more detailed. Example, I made a package for a family vacation. I had to bear in mind the following:

• number of days to stay
• package rate
• number of participants
• accommodation
• transportation
• tour guide
• entrance fees
• food
  

If the package is done, I would then make their itineraries. For the past three days, I've been making proposals, packages, itineraries, surfing the net for the best deals, sending email inquiries to possible business partners and the like. But I got through all that today. I finished all the packages. Or should I say the Family Vacation and Barkada Adventure packages. But at least that is an accomplishment.

Finding clients was the second part. We have to promote first from our network of friends, school mates, their friends and office mates. Clients are demanding at times. They want prices right then and there. They want pictures of the places they are going to. They want itineraries as soon as possible. We all have the duty to promote the business. The internet aside from our network of friends is the best source. Clients expect the best from us. We promised to cater to their needs and we must meet their expectations.

This has been a busy week. To someone who's reading this, if you have suggestions on how we can make our business better and how we can make our tasks easier, please do comment.

Nurses' Note: Is it really freeze hiring?

It's not on my to-do list to create a blog today. But I stumbled on some stuff while surfing and my Mom was like you-need-to-find-a-real-job-now! stage and I just wanted to let out the stress from what she said. And so I decided to make a new blog once again. I haven't written for a while because I've been busy with my tours and events organizing business and the freelance writing job kept me busy for the last four weeks.

It's been two years since I graduated from one of the top nursing schools in the Philippines and I still don't have a job. A real job in a hospital where they pay you for the work. I actually been wanting to have one for the last 2 years. It's like I spent almost a million for a 4-year course and I end up being unemployed. When my parents once promised that if I take up Nursing as a major it would be easier to find a job, thus it would be easier to save money for my future. But those, not even one of those promises, was true. For now at least. The global recession has been affecting every industry but even before the financial crisis fired up you will always see this sign on Nursing Offices in the country. FREEZE HIRING. And I really think it is not freeze hiring. In the health care industry, to be one of the world's best health care institution they need to provide quality care aside from the technological advances they have. And they can't provide those if there is scarcity of the health care professionals (which I belong to) in their hospitals.

Being trained in a government hospital, I was able to see the need for more nurses. I was assigned in the Pedia Ward and we cater to 100 to 140 patients a day. That census never goes down, if ever it decreased 80 patients at most. The total bed capacity sadly is 40 patients. So where does the other 100 patients stay? For each bed there are 4 to 5 patients. During one duty, I saw Bed 11 with ten patients. Seriously, ten pediatric patients in one bed. Sad but true.

The pedia ward during OFF season

The ward is basically divided into two. The infectious and non-infectious. Those two is further subdivided depending on what system the disease belongs. The ward is headed by a clinical manager and had two head nurses (for the two divisions of the ward), several nurses and nursing aids. Every shift, each ward has two senior nurses, two contractual nurses (these are not staff) and two nursing aides. If there are trainees, there would be at least 3 or four on each ward. That would make 8 nurses in the ward to cater to 140 patients, their relatives, the doctors and the other health care professionals (med-techs, radiology technicians, dieticians,etc.). The nurses have a lot of duties. Let's start.

a. When the nurses arrive, they get endorsements from their fellow nurses.
b. After endorsements, they go for the rounds.
(In the hospital where I trained, we get the endorsements while doing our rounds to conserve time.)
c. During rounds, we take note of the clients condition, check for the IV fluids (flow rate, level, etc.), check the IV site (for infiltration, swelling, etc.), inform their change of diet (usually for post-op patients), remind their labs just to name a few.
d. In our ward, we actually do two kinds of endorsements. The patient endorsements where we also go for the rounds and next is the medication endorsements. The latter is done after the first is finished.
e. After those endorsements, the 140 charts will we waiting in the nurses station. We chart.
f. If there are new orders from the doctors we carry out the orders.
g. Depending on the cases, we keep ourselves updated for the patients status. And we refer abnormal vital signs and the like.
h. We assist in procedures.
i. When there are surgeries to be done, we endorse the clients' condition to the OR nurses.
j. We answer telephone calls.
k. We deal with doctors. Sometimes, doctors who doesn't know what work etiquette or professionalism means.
l. We deal with the patient's relatives, visitors and others.
m. If there are admissions, we give instructions for the ward rules and everything they need to know while they are in the ward.
n. If there are discharges, we also give them instructions on when to come back, what medications to take, etc.
o. We provide health teachings.

We need more nurses!

These are only few things a nurse does. And if the ward is toxic, how will 8-12 nurses handle all this toxicity and provide quality care for the 100+ patients. The bottom line is, hospitals need a lot of nurses. They need more nurses for their wards. They need more nurses to provide quality care. But why do they still have the excuse of telling new registered nurses that they have FREEZE HIRING. CRAP...



Just my opinion.
Just me. For now.

-katt-